Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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