Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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