Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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