Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
