I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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