i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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