Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
