You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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