Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
