The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
