I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
