Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I accidentally had phone sex last night
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
