Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
