Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
