I molested 6 butterflies tonight
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
