The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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