if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I AM VODKA MAN
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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