I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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