Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
