i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
