No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
i drank out of a bidet.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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