Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
