It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
