I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
