Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Randomize
