I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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