oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
