all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
