Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
40s are totally the cure
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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