She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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