So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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