So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
