weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
