just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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