I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Randomize
