I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
