remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Randomize
