So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Let the clothes fall where they may.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize