Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
