So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
