smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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