I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
