And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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