I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
We need to rekindle our bromance
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
