Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
