Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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