I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
