My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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