you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
