How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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