I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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