So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I believe in your delicious
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
