oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
