I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
