my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
