A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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