There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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